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02:23am 16/07/2006
  If I survived the past 12 hours, I'm fairly certain I can handle anything in the entire world.

Things have been crazy lately. Very long days at work. Finally being social and having so much fun. I saw P today (goodness). Just came in from being out. I've been going out. Illegal substances mmmm.

P will be here almost a week in less than a week. I'm scared and anxious and nervous and to be honest, I have no idea how I really feel about him. Seeing him today was nice but three minutes does not give me enough time for perception. I'm scared we won't love each other and I'm scared we will, too. Both will be hard. Meh. I'm done with worrying. I'll see him in a few days and all will be okay because all has ended up okay.
08:51pm 01/07/2006
  you think she's an open book,
but you don't know which page to turn to,
do you? do you? do you?
06:01pm 29/06/2006
  and some things remain very much alive  
11:11pm 25/06/2006
  I think that the point that I start to have trouble with people is the point when I feel I must explain and/or justify myself. Not even in a bad way. Just, when someone doesn't understand an aspect of me, I start to not want to be around them.

He is too rough. He scares me. I feel like he's going to hurt me, not emotionally, but physically. That's also a good sign that I need to get away from him.

I love work. I have met beautiful and strong and passionate women, and I don't really have role models like these in my life, so it's spectacular.

Camp began today. I was not there. I'm not sad, only confused. For a person that is so pro-pertual change, I am awfully adverse to this change in summer plans. What does one do around here? I've been happy, but I feel like I'm wasting my life. I really really feel that way about this summer.

This is just a reminder to myself:
get posters, get tiedye, read, drugs, adventure, clean, take everything off computer.
09:05am 21/06/2006

Petition against abortion ban in South Dakota.

I obviously cannot stress enough the importance.

On the subject, I start my internship at Planned Parenthood today.

Artrus221 (11:57:54 PM): kill babies!!!

^ may or may not ever be funny. We'll see.
I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer.   
11:47pm 19/06/2006
  I'm a little afraid that this is all happening too fast, but I'm quite happy at the moment, so that's a sign, hopefully, that it's not. We'll see how this summer plays out. It feels too soon, but it's really not.

Healthy wealthy stealth[il]y.

All I know she sang a little while and then flew on.

I finished Cat's Cradle. Loved it. Must get Slaughterhouse Five next.
I got Nino Rojo. Incredible. I may be in love.

She doesn't even know!
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01:53pm 18/06/2006
  Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
07:08pm 13/06/2006
  I'm going to write a book called Epicurious George.  
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it's just that everyone's interest is stronger than mine   
10:00am 11/06/2006
  I watched Squid and the Whale and the Virgin Suicides this weekend. I liked them both. I need to watch them both again.

I can't study. I get frustrated. No matter how well I do on all my exams, my grades will not be good because of how sad I was first semester. And I hate blaming anything on that because it is what it is. And then this semester, a lot of stuff can be blamed on P and Thailand, and I hate blaming anyone else. Because it's my work, but can I really be held responsible for the quizzes I failed the day after? Or on the week I missed because I was traveling the world and learning more than I've ever learned at Freeman.

Also, I've been crying a lot. Sometimes for reasons, sometimes not. I started crying when my mom asked me what I wanted from the grocery store yesterday. I think it bothered me that I had to make choices. And then I cried because I left my French book at school by accident. And then at one scene in Garden State because I had this really random memory of P. When we'd be lying down or just talking, he'd pull me up every few minutes and we'd just stand there and hold and hug and it was always wonderful even though I would always protest, for I am lazy. Mehhhh. Five days to get through and then a summer of an imprisonment. None of this can be healthy for me, I'm sure of it. Let's just see the state I am in in a few months time.

Oh, and another memory just now (because I'm listening to Either/Or). When P and I woke up after sleeping for about 2 hours on a tiny couch at his friend's house, I sang "Say Yes" to him, and he thought me to be infinitely silly. I am.
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10:30pm 08/06/2006

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I've got an answer, I'm going to fly away   
08:52pm 08/06/2006
  Sometimes I think I'm wasting my childhood by not being happy in Richmond. Then, days like yesterday happen where a cross is burned in front of your school.

Today was my last day of classes as a junior. Two review days, 6 exams, and at 11 am next friday, I am done.

I did my scene today. It was wonderful but it was not on a big stage which lessened the experience. I loved it though. I messed up a line. And I didn't get big brother/big sister. Again, I feel inadequate. I'm having a lot of trouble with myself lately. Or more how I like myself but I get constant negativity from my parents, my school, and my non-fwenz.

Meh. At lunch, we played duck duck goose, which made me so very happy. Then Naveed and I ran laps and were so sweaty but feeling so good. Then I felt sick and went home 2 periods early.

I came home, snarfed around. Kenzie and I went to visit Joshua at his place of work and he made us coffee and tea and many other treats and gave me Billy Breathes and Crosby, Still, and Nash (self-titled). It was nice. Then we went to Tower and I bought Ladies of the Canyon (!!!!!!!!) and then a beautiful rain a-started, so we leapt out of the car and into the showery goodness and danced to "The Circle Game." It was very nice.

I'm not allowed to go to graduation because it is the night before my Chem and English exams. I understand, yet it's really important to me that I'm there to see Alli (and all others) graduate. This is a circumstance where I can not think of any other parents who would make this decision for their child.

I thought I was going to be able to do so so much pleasure reading this summer, for I have a list of 30 or so books that I want to read right away, but for AP Econ and AP Gov alone, I already have 3 books, 3 movies, and questions and essays to do. And I will also receive reading for AP English. And I am forced to do so much reading for Leadership Summer School and then my internship. I hate the Leadership Center more than anything. All of my negativity is now streamed into either the Center or my parents.

This is a pointless post, as are most. RHYME! time! Meh.
When my womanly troubles end, I will be much more optimistic. Give me three days, and I'll probably be fairly happy and incredibly stressed.
05:43pm 06/06/2006
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you know better, but I know him   
01:28pm 04/06/2006
mood: comfortably numb
Since I last posted: dance recitals, Lee, graduation, Yonder Mountain String Band, drugs, Sheeves and Alex, wine, no wedding, seniors done, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Elephant Man, Gattaca, Saving Private Ryan, Cider House Rules, Whale Rider, SATs, Greek Festival, fun cookout and tremendous dance parties, As I Lay Dying, The Bell Jar, Winesburg, Ohio, acting, papers.

Sometimes I feel like he's this toxin and I need water to flush him out.

ALSO, lately I've been having a lot of trouble telling the difference between when people are laughing and crying. It's times like these that I really want to write because I know that could make something beautiful. Imma work on it.

Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away" is a high quality song.

a few favorite pictures since last post:

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I'd swim across Lake Michigan, I'd sell my shoes, I'd give my body to be back again

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happy? mayyyyyhap.

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Which is more out of control: my hair or my dance moves?
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Lo and behold!   
11:17am 14/05/2006
  I suppose I should update this a little more often. A lot of stuff has happened.

mmmm. I've watched a few good movies: Vertigo, Bottle Rocket. Meh, I'm sure there are more.

I've bought lots of new music, including A Love Supreme, Live at Jittery's Joe, In Case We Die, The Basement Tapes, Europe '72, Louder than Bombs, Electric Ladyland, More Adventurous, Pink Moon, etc. I spend all of my money on music, as you can see.

Cinco de mayo was money. I went to Brown's Island for their big music festival and it was a lot of fun. I've spent some time at the river, which is wonderful. I've played with lots of people that I don't often play with. I've been very very good, except for last night where I felt shitty after a pretty good night.

I was going to see Dark Star Orchestra next Friday but I think it's not going to work out now. That's okay. They come to Virginia all the time, so I will see them eventually. And Aaron graduates from UVA next Sunday, which is weird. I will have two brothers who are "real people." That petrifies me. And the weekend after that is Sheevs and Alex and Yonder Mountain String Band and so much wonderfulness. And then the next weekend, SATs again and that means I can't do Relay for Life, which I like doing a lot. And another week, and then exams, and then I'm done. One month left. Meehhh. And then another year.

This is a stupid post. I have too much to say to actually say anyhting at all.
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I ain't got time to watch you cry.   
01:16pm 29/04/2006
  This entry is going to highlight incredibly important things in as few words as possible.

I am in love with Thailand. Mainly just the people and Buddhism and the food. I don't like Bangkok very much. I would like to backpack there.

Kenzie and I love each other and Wes Anderson, which is why in the past two weeks we have watched Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums.

Phill and I broke up and at first I was a huge mess, and then I was happier than I've been in a while and now I'm sort of numb. It got too hard, but it's also hard that there is clearly something still there and if we saw each other again, things would be different but not really. I don't know. I am so glad to have had the 5 or so months I had with him, and I still love him. I want him to be happy, and I just am sad that I am not one of his major sources of happiness and love anymore. Fuck, this is so hard. And I'm just..I'm mostly just not ready.

My birthday was horrible. My friends forgot, my dad took a call during my birthday dinner and left and didn't stay for happy birthday. Just everything that happens in cliche movies where a teenager is largely unloved. I mean, whatevs.

Kenzie and Aliza both cried for me. Tears are a sign of best friends, mayhap. I want to do a big art project with tears; I've been planning it for a while but I'm not sure if it'll ever work out.

I am confused about mostly everything in my life right now. I don't know if I believe in God anymore, though I never really had a concrete idea of God, I also believed in some sort of something. But I have no idea. I relate to so many religions right now and also none at all. All of my ideas are mixed up in my head. I just don't know anything right now. My level of paradoxes has been trumped and confusion has replaced it.

I sucked on my SATs. Great.

Also, I despise money. So much. My mother just told me that if I go out of state, I will not get a car, I cannot go abroad junior year, and I cannot take a year off. When pointing that down, I sound spoiled with opportunity. But I can't go to UVA or William and Mary. I just can't do it. But this summer, with an internship, summer school, and maybe a job, there is no possible way I can't have some sort of little used car. And I want Nativ or Year Course I think. Because I don't know how I feel about Israel anymore, I"m not sure, but I'm 100% sure that I don't want to go straight to college and I want some sort of year off and this is the only one that my parents would let me do.

Argh. So besides Thailand and Wes Anderson, it is obvious that things have been pretty horrid for me. I'll be okay.

This is probably not the best entry to put this into, but it's on my mind. Can you overdose on liquid Children's Motrin?

Also my lips are chapped and I have too much makeup work. And my AP is on Friday. And I'm suffocating, essentially.
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Physical contact of the human sort.   
10:38am 08/04/2006
  Last night was funfunfun (until Daddy took the T-bird away).

Kenzie came over and we danced to Papa Pengouin and Danke Schoen and other such outrageously dance-able songs. And we played dress up with my new dresses, which I'm VERYYYY excited about. They are pretty wild. Hoooooooraaaaaaaaah. AND I FINALLY GOT A BEAUUUUUTIFUL HAT. It's so wonderful and brown and floppy. But I still want a little tweed beautiful one, if I can find the perfect one.

So we went to Mema's and played in the fields and ate and we were merry. We couldn't decide between an art show or a concert, so we called Lee, and he was a few minutes away at his friend John's apartment. I've been there a few times, and John is really cool and so is their friend Gordon who was there and I've also hung out with before.

So we got there, and there was music and lots of wine. Right away, the cigarettes had seem to gone empty, so adventures were had to get more. Which ultimately resulted in huge gum balls that hurt my teeth and skeeeeeeeeeeeeet everywhere. PURPLE SKEET EVERYWHERE! There were so many sexual jokes made in the evening. So many. At one point the wind started getting so wild and insane that it sounded like things were crashing, so naturally, John and I went outside and played with the wind. We spun with her and layed with her and danced with her and sang with her. It was WONDERFUL. Her name is Chrysanthamum. The wind, that is. We considered naming her either Cindy or Mindy, so one could say "The windy Cindy/Mindy likes indie." But we decided against it. Then everyone else came out and experienced the wind. Everyone in their own way. Or so it seemed. It was very nice. And there was a slight rain, and just laying in the grass felt so good. John burned me cds! But the burning got interrupted and I only got a few but it was wooonddeeeeeffuuuullll. He has a wonderful wonderful collection of music. I'm getting there, methinks. Or mehopes. We put on the the Life Aquatic which seemed so appropos. And John owns Waking Life! And everyone had seen it. And that was exciting. I want to watch that again, it's been awhile.

Eventually, the cool young'ins had to go, and Lee and John had left for a little so I didn't get to say goodbye. Oh welllzzzzzz.

I came back and talked to Phill for an hour or so. We both fell asleep, but then I woke up and had to hang up. I like him. mhmhmhmhmhm. I think we just have a few personal things to work out. If at all possible.
I have spent my life seeking all that's still unsung.   
02:31pm 07/04/2006
mood: jubilant
The boys next door play basketball 24/7. Literally.

I can't remember much of the week. It had its ups and downs, was pretty stressful, but I was fairly content.

Today was good. Played in various classes. Half day and now it's SPRING BREAK! I went to lunch with Sam, John, Rob, and their friend Jake. They are a fun bunch. I felt bad because Sam bought my sub, but it was delicious. Sarah Margaret was coming as I was leaving and she's also oodles of fun. OODLES.

Now I'm back and I must pack! But motivation, I surely lack.

So instead, I'm going to look at pretty skirts with my momma.

It feels good to have friends again. hahaha. But really. Today I hung out with thoes boys, but I also could have also gone to play with Katie and Kenzie and Becca and gone to the park. And tonight I want to go see Think with Lee, but I don't know if the parents will allow it.

It's too beautiful outside. Yes, tooooooooo beautiful. The world must de-beautify itself IMMEDIATELY.
08:50pm 04/04/2006
  Never mind all the shit that has happened recently, today (or this afternoon)was WONDERFUL.

Katie took me home and I just never see her enough. Andrew, Katie, and I discussed various drugs and alcohol. =)

I came home, and Hannah fuuuuuucking Roodman called me from Israel. And we talked for about an hour and a half. And it was beautiful. I miss her and I'm so happy for her.

Then, I went outside and laid in the grass and finished Their Eyes Were Watching God. I wasn't especially thrilled with it, but I do like the last 10-15 pages. It summed up the book perfectly and enhanced my good mood.

I went to Blockbuster and returned Igby, and then got some coffee, as I was sleepy.

I'm just feeling good right now. I like feeling like this. And now I'm listening to a really funny rap mix par Claire. I guess it's not actually funny at all, I just don't listen to rap unless I'm out so it's amusing.

You can get this lap dance here for FREE.

Peace and love.

p.s. kels6269 (8:47:18 PM): that we were watching harry potter in french
kels6269 (8:47:24 PM): and i texted you right at the mehhhhh part
04:06pm 02/04/2006
  I just wrote an incredibly long entry and then my computer deleted it all. Meh.

Main points: distance, lots of new music and books, I want to act, played with various people, I love Igby Goes Down, letters make me feel alive, Thailand in 7 days, Mr. Peck defended me against myself which is essentially the secret to me being okay but no one knows that.

The girls have got a house that's like a caravan
And it's like your holidays whenever you go round
And we always have a laugh and then we all get in the bath
To save on the leccy bill
Me & Jo & Phil'

^Incredibly ironic. Mainly because my best friend sent me those lyrics and her past boyfriend of a year or so is named Joe and there is Phill boy. Weohd.
08:51pm 29/03/2006
  supergirl970 (8:13:20 PM): and i was actually thinking about you tonight, a really long train of thought not worth explaining that led to the period of time in our lives when you were in love with jay gross

shit's weird. i can't believe i had forgotten about that. i mean, i was never really in love with him. but i guess he's the first boy that i ever really thought i loved. which is weird. so weird. and such a long time ago. goodness.
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